If America were a woman she would be voluptuous, curvacious, much like the hottie from Mad Men.

She would make CountdownLA, if only for a moment, question his beautiful Mrs. CountdownLA.

I’m always excited about a blog that celebrates everything that America is about. That’s why I’m obligated by the Constitution to introduce you to CountdownLA’s new favorite blog.

Muffinmatters

Enjoy!

Excellent blog! Interesting article and very informative! I will necessarily subscribe for this blog.

That’s right, straight from the horse’s mouth. It’s neccesarily that you subscribe to this blog.

CountdownLA has been on a very-very extended break. College is hard.

ONWARD, TO THE NEWS!

Joe the Plumber recants!

Jesus. Okay, so first this guy is Joe the Plumber. Then we find out he really isn’t a plumber. Then we find out he’s a tax evader. Now he doesn’t even support McCain. Is anything in politics real anymore? Guess not.

What does that make Joe the Plumber? Joe. Joe the White Collar Criminal. Average Joe? Some guy?

Special place reserved in hell: Cancer

Cancer the new Nigerian in marathon to eliminate human race.

We here at CountdownLA are always advocates for the status quo. It’s what this country was  founded on.

Don’t let Changy McObama fool you either. Check out his appointments as of late: Clinton, Gates,  Ret. Gen. James Jones. Inside men and women. Beltway boys…and girls. Obama is keeping the status pretty well quo behind the scenes. Okay maybe not this guy.

That’s why it should alarm all of us that heart disease, the leading killer for most of our lives, is about to kick the bucket. And for what, cancer?!

It’s not even a fair fight. There are so many types of cancer. There’s only one heart disease. There’s only one heart!

That’s why we here at CountdownLA are advocating a steady diet for all Americans. For more details see here.

We have an obligation to keep heart disease in its rightful place. This is a call to inaction. Sit on your ASS! Play video games. DON’T exercise! EAT whatever you want, WHENEVER you want!

Yes we can’t!

Tomorrow!

One of these two things will happen:

Joe the Plumber rides toilet to Congress asking for bailout!

Mrs. CountdownLA tells CountdownLA what she got him for Christmas.

I’d bank on the former.

Big deal. My Uncle Larry could solve a rubix cube with ten bucks and a pen knife.

I’m not trying to be a negative Nancy or anything but shouldn’t our finest scientific minds focus on something a bit more relevant than solving the greatest mysteries of 1982?

Alternate fuel, nuclear waste disposal, Mars…all just sitting there ripe for the pickin’.

Besides that, I want my robot maid already. Generations of children grew up idolizing two scientific breakthroughs: the jet pack and Rosie from the Jetsons. Neither of which are commercially available.

At least we’re getting somewhere with the jet pack.

This is how far we’ve come to Rosie. Pathetic. It doesn’t have arms or legs and it certainly doesn’t sarcastically quip.

Yesterday I said I was going to do a running blog of Countdown’s favorite holiday: Thanksgiving.

I lied. Where I’m going we won’t NEED internet. Meaning I won’t have any. Many thoughts after the break though. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone. Eat lots, give some to those less fortunate.

Thank God, Mom, or whoever you believes in you.

Looked at my site stats today and noticed that I got one view from someone searching for “Barack Obama in a bickini[sic].”

First, thank you loyal reader. Your support of me is almost as touching as your desire to see our 43rd president in a bikini.

Second, this is the best I could find.

Third, if I knew that was all it took to get readers in here I would have started this a long time ago.

Waitressing: So easy a caveman could do it.

Has the world economy gotten so bad that monkeys are now taking the jobs of blue-blooded humans?

This has completely reenergized my theory that one day monkeys will take over our commercial sector and de-facto enslave us with their high prices and insistence that we pay them in fresh fruit.

My favorite line from the CNN Video: “Health inspectors gave this the green light as long as the monkeys wear clothes…”

“So you got monkeys workin’ for ya now?”

“Yeah.”

“These things. They throw crap. Masturbate without conscience. Pick bugs out of each others hair. And you have them serving food and drink?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, throw an apron on ‘em and give us fifty bucks and we’ll call this a day.”

Reserved: Special Circle in Hell

This is a series I hope to keep going over the next year. Its for people, places in things that disgust Countdown L.A. so much that I believe there is a special circle of hell waiting for them. One that the bible doesn’t even talk about. One that the Rev. Jeremiah Wright wouldn’t even wish upon his worst “America.” The Hell that Hitler and Stalin weren’t even invited to.

This Week’s Story:

Went to a restaurant with Mrs. Countdown over the weekend. Won’t say what it was.

We get inside. Very quaint pizza place. For a joint located near Duke it wasn’t half bad. When the menus arrived at the table I was surprised by the economically priced pizza.

Good prices. $10 for a large pizza! $2 for pepperoni! $2 for garlic knots! Food was amazing.

We enjoy our delicious moderately priced meal and wait for our check to arrive. When it came I was stunned.

Good prices. $12.50 for a large pizza? $2.50 for pepperoni!? $3 for garlic knots? $2.50 for my DRINK?!!

I’m no a-hole. I rarely argue my check. In fact, I let most service related mistakes go by the way side and let karma sort it out. I’m sure I’ve gotten the upper-hand a time or two. And you can bet your ass if I found a bag with a dollar sign on it I would be racing to the Apple Store and not the police station.

But this was no mistake. I had been hoodwinked! I called the waitress over and she says they have warnings on the menu that say, prices subject to change, not responsible for typographical errors.

Okay…now I was pissed. This was no typographical error. Fresh Friend Chicken that was your typographical error. Every price on my check was considerably different than what the menu said.

I felt like I was in The Italian Job without the pleasure of meeting Mos Def and Marky Mark.

Seeing my growing anger, Mrs. Countdown graciously offered to pay in an effort to calm me down. But this wasn’t about money. Principal was involved here.

Long story, short: I burnt the place to the ground.

For those of you that care.

My fantasy football team improved to 4-8 this week. Not impressive but I only won 3 games last year. Rebuilding!

Shameless Plugs!

My production company’s youtube channel.

The Debt Diva (I work on her videos)

For you my loyal fans…CountdownLA’s Quick Hits.

Words of wisdom from Mrs. CountdownLA:

“When I have kids, and they get rowdy, I’m putting one in one room and one in the other and telling them to shutup. That’s what video games are for.”

That’s What She Said Political Edition!

This week: Ron Paul

“Since the new alignment of political power offers no real change, we will remain on the same track without even a pretense of slowing the growth of government.”

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Facebook: Weeding out the ignorant one electronic racist epithet at a time.

In Charlotte four teachers are under investigation for postings that they made on their FB pages. Here are the highlights from an article by Ann Doss Helms on thestate.com

One teacher listed “teaching chitlins in the ghetto of Charlotte” as one of her activities and drinking as one of her hobbies.

CNN let’s you know how to let someone down.

The article isn’t funny. The picture included is.

How NOT to breakup with someone.

1. DON’T disguise a sharp kitchen knife as a football and tell your ex-boyfriend to “go long.” That’s called pre-meditated murder.

My Youtube CLIP OF THE WEEK brought to you by America “Land of the free, home of the brave.”

Everyone that reads CountdownLA knows about my intense love for America. I eat, sleep, and breathe U.S.of A. Nothing symbolizes this great country more than the one true American breed of dog, the Boston Terrier.

In this clip, a Boston Terrier shows one Asian cat what the entire country of Japan realized after Pearl Harbor. You may poke a sleeping giant, but you will not defeat it.

Enjoy your weekends everyone. NEXT WEEK!

Why you should be watching NBC’s Heroes and aren’t.

I plug my commercial video work!

Full Frontal Nudity!!!

As always, I don’t have a talented team of writers and researchers so email me funny stories, ideas, or pictures of your boston terriers to countdownla.gmail.com and you will graciously be rewarded with accreditation.

Now on to the article…

It began simple enough. I thought to myself. I have yet to see a funny picture of our newest President, Barack Obama. Not an odd facial gesture or wardrobe malfunction. Not one awkward candid shot of him in a bikini, no trace of President Obama with a pancake on his head.

Okay, that one doesn’t count, it’s obviously a rendition.

How can this be? This man has not only been in the spotlight for the past two years but he has become the spotlight. Cameras follow him wherever he goes. I can’t believe that one of these photogs that get pictures like this of Britney Spears or one like this of Amy Winehouse, can’t snap Obama mid-burp.

Don’t believe me? Check out the Google image search of “Barack Obama.” Save the photoshopped madness, every picture has him looking handsome, majestic, God-like.

Compare this with the image searches of John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Dubya. Oh the horror.

As loyal readers of Countdown L.A. know I’m no conspiracy theorist….except when it comes to the undead of Florida, The Pro-Bus Anti-God agenda, or the Peruvian push for free trade. But this issue has the Oliver Stone-Paul is dead-fake moon landing side of my brain tingling. Here’s a few possible explanantions that I’m throwing out for thought.

1. A secret super-powerful photographers union is exchanging political and economic benefits for pictures of Obama that look like this and pictures of McCain that look like this.

Whenever Obama sneezes union operatives tackle rogue non-union snappers. Even when they fail, they somehow succeed.

There’s even an entire division totally devoted to reflecting light onto his good side.

2. Obama is actually a robot and incapable of the randomized organic muscle spasms that result in pictures like this. Obama’s expressions are controlled by a complex by predictable series of ones and zeros.

3.Maybe he isn’t real. Don’t laugh. Yeah we all saw him deliver his speech in Chicago and have seen him on television countless times. But if CNN can do this, then anything is possible, right? Haven’t you seen the movie, “S1mone”? Pacino creates the next star actress out of thin air and everyone believes she is real. It’s not totally out of the realm of possibility in our Myspace, Google, Youtube, World of Warcraft world.

The real questions is, with President Bush’s approval ratings as low as they are, would anyone really care if Obama “walked” on the Today show and and just shoved his holographic hand straight through his holographic head? I say, no. In fact, I guarantee the pictures of it would be beautiful.

Anyways, here’s the best I could do to find a funny shot of Obama.

“Oh my god, he’s holding his knee! Maybe he has to pee. Tee hee.”

“Hey…Hey…Hey…shutup.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….”

S’all I got. If you find a better one: countdownla@gmail.com

The new president of the Maldives wants to relocate — his entire country.

Move an entire country?! What are these guys on, crack?

By some estimates, one of every three Maldivian youth uses drugs.

Ah.

He inherits an island nation with several problems.

Foremost among them: The very likely possibility that the Maldives will sink under water if the current pace of climate change keeps raising sea levels.

Here we go again. Ultra-liberal tree hugging environmentalists whining about “global warming.”

“Ohhhh…it’s HOT!”

“Wahhh…the ice caps are melting the polar bears!”

“Woe is me…my island is sinking”

The capital of Male was also flooded, although sea walls protected it from further devastation. The government has calculated that creating a similar barrier around the rest of the country would cost too much.

Also, it would make their country look like a doughnut from overhead.

“We have made many pledges,” Nasheed said in his inaugural address. “The citizens gave their majority vote to us to implement these.”

Talks about a mandate.

“Hey, thanks for voting us in, we really appreciate it. In reward for your support…..we’re all TAKING A VACATION…to the middle of Australia! See ya in 2012!”

Huseyin Kalkan, the pro-Kurdish Democratic Society Party mayor of Batman, has accused “The Dark Knight” producers of using the city’s name without permission.

“There is only one Batman in the world,” Kalkan said.

Someone sounds like a bitter Michael Keaton fan.

No one from the town of Batman has explained why it took so many years to take legal action.

Let me take a crack at it:

A. They are represented by the erratic law firm Dent and Dent, LLC.

B. The Turkish court system are overcrowded with cases of goat-snatching.

Undoubtedly the fact that “Dark Knight” is about to pass the $1 billion mark at the B.O. played a part in stirring the ire of the Turkish hamlet.

C. Oh yeah, that too.

The mayor is prepping a series of charges against Nolan and Warner Bros., which owns the right to the Batman character, including placing the blame for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological impact that the film’s success has had on the city’s inhabitants.

This sounds like a case…….for Batman.

Former natives of Batman are also said to have encountered obstacles when attempting to register their businesses abroad.

“Excuse me you are from where?”

“I said, I am from Batman.”

“Sure buddy, and my uncles from Green Lantern, get the hell outta here.”

Either the secret service isn’t so “secret” anymore or we have been bamboozled, YET AGAIN, by our federal government.

CNN’s Holograms on election night not really holograms:http://www.cbc.ca/technology/story/2008/11/05/tech-holograms.html

Really? You mean we “don’t have the technology?” We cannot “replicate him.” Shame really, for years holograms have graced our fantasy and science fiction culture; the transition to cable news seemed imminent.

Free Trade run amok, I say!: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20081111/od_nm/us_obama_dog

We can’t let these Peruvian panhandlers just give away dogs to our next U.S. President! We have more pride than that. We are a capitalist democracy for Christ sake. Next thing you know they’ll be making demands…OH WAIT…

“”But if we send it to the United States, its official name will be Machu Picchu,” she said, referring to the ancient Incan citadel, Peru‘s top tourist attraction.”

I say its an American made dog or no dog. That’s why I’m advocating the only true American breed, the Boston Terrier, as our next First Dog.

Preferably this one: http://puppydogweb.com/dogs/images/bostonterrier_sadowski.jpg

It doesn’t get much cuter…unless he was wrapped in an American flag.

“Headline: Dead People Voting Throughout Florida”

Oh geez this can’t be good.

“That is scary,” said Jim Branch.

Well put, Jim. Damn right it’s scary. The undead rising from their not-so-eternal graves to feast on early voting ballots across the great state of Florida. Meanwhile good, honest, hard-working, old, jewish Floridians have to wait behind these illegal life immigrants.

2002′s Help America Vote act, which made it easier to register to vote, also made it more difficult to remove voters from the rolls.

“Okay, who’s the wise guy that earmarked a Haitian Voodoo Spell.”

“But Orange County Election Supervisor Bill Cowles doesn’t worry. ”I think the mechanisms are in place. There’s enough checks and balances in place,” he said.”

Bill! Now isn’t the time for checks and balances. Where’s your Jim-like sense of urgency? We need shotguns, flamethrowers, pool cues, and a biker-gang STAT!

“Elections supervisors say they are pushing the state to allow them to accept death certificates from families as reasonable evidence to remove dead voters from the rolls.”

This naturally begs the question, “What is reasonable evidence now?” A dead body?

If you can’t believe this is real news: http://www.wftv.com/news/17848541/detail.html#-